


the past we shared

by stalkyoon



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-22
Updated: 2020-12-22
Packaged: 2021-03-11 04:42:30
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,442
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28249335
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/stalkyoon/pseuds/stalkyoon
Summary: "Why did you never show me you cared?""Why did you never show me you loved me?"A story about Bokuto Koutarou and Akaashi Keiji, who were nothing more than just friends. Until that one letter shattered their little world into pieces.
Relationships: Akaashi Keiji/Bokuto Koutarou, Iwaizumi Hajime/Oikawa Tooru
Comments: 2
Kudos: 18





	the past we shared

**Author's Note:**

> hope you enjoy reading this <33

"Hey, hey, hey, Akaashi! How are you?" Bokuto screamed throughout the whole bar, turning everyone's attention to him. He waved at Akaashi with a wide smile on his face, one that could have melt Akaashi right there and then.

"I'm good. Great actually." The blue haired boy answered, being unable to hide his smile. He looked at Bokuto, who was taking his jacket and beanie off, taking the seat in front of him.  
Akaashi stared at the grey haired boy's hair, which was basically a mess. He had to hold back his laughter, but Bokuto noticed how giggly the other one was. Something that barely happened.

"What's there to be so happy about? Let me be a part of your happiness!" Bokuto leaned closer towards Akaashi, who was trying to hide the blush, that was spreading across his cheeks.  
You are my happiness.  
"Ah well, I'm just happy.." to see you.

Of course he couldn't say those things to Bokuto, of course not. Because he was the only one who felt nervous around the other one.  
"If you're happy, I'm happy as well!" Bokuto gave him his biggest smile and Akaashi was sure he was staring at the sun right now instead of a human being. Just seeing something like that made his feelings grow for Koutarou bigger and bigger. 

"Thank you.." He pulled his hoodie up to his chin with the tip of his index finger, again because Bokuto brought a faint blush to his cheeks.  
"You're wearing the sweater I gave you, aren't you? It looks good on you, great actually!" This didn't really help getting rid of his flushed cheeks, and again he just mumbled a quick "thank you." 

God, why was he so nervous? Maybe because he was going to confess his feelings to Bokuto this night? Maybe because he didn't want to lose him? Maybe because he was scared of his reaction?

"Oh right, you wanted to tell me something important. What is it? Did something happen?" Bokuto gazed at Akaashi with a concerned look on his face. And although there were other people talking in the bar as well, music playing out of the boxes, Akaashi was still scared if Bokuto could hear his rapidly increasing heartbeat. 

He had to calm himself down somehow, and the only way he was able to think of, was stare into his eyes.   
Into those golden eyes. Those eyes who made him fall for him in the first place. It felt as if the whole world stopped around them. As if Akaashi was put under a spell. A spell which made it impossible for him to not fall for Bokuto.

"Oh, yeah, r-right." There was an itch in his throat. He was nervous to speak, he would rather just say nothing at all. But this wasn't an option anymore.   
"It's just.. uh. Well, I just wanted to tell you that I l-like-" Akaashi was cut off by Bokuto's phone, something that took him back a lot. 

"Argh, I'm sorry! I have to pick this up, wait for me!" He immediately stood up and rushed towards the exit. An uneasy feeling overwhelmed Akaashi, it felt like he just got rejected before even confessing. It felt like Bokuto didn't choose him.  
"I'm back." Bokuto said with a little frown on his face. He wasn't the cheeky guy from a few minutes ago. It seemed like something happened on the phone.

"What happened?" Akaashi asked, trying to ignore the tight feeling in his throat.   
"Mizuki. She.. she doesn't feel well. But it's okay. I'll stay here with y-"  
"Go." Akaashi smiled at Bokuto, holding back his tears. It was time for him to let his owl go. It was time for his owl to fly to his moon.

"What? B-but you wanted to tell me something. You.. even said that it's imp-"  
"It doesn't matter anymore. Just go." And with every word, a needle pierced right through his heart. Because he knew he would get left behind.  
"Are you sure?"  
"Yes."

"Thank you, Akaashi. I'll make this up to you!" Bokuto screamed after putting on his jacket, rushing towards the exit once again. But this time Akaashi knew that he wouldn't come back anymore.

And maybe that was one of the reasons why tears trickled down his cheeks, as he took a sip from Bokuto's drink.   
But mostly it was because even after everything, he still wasn't the one.

[...]

"I was only falling in love. Was that wrong of me? Was I supposed to not start liking him? Was I supposed to not feel anything whenever he hugged me when he scored a point? Was I supposed to not feel any warmth whenever he gave me the biggest smile ever? Was I supposed to not be hurt whenever he talked about someone else? Was I supposed to not fall for him although he was the first person to ever tell me that he loved me? Oikawa, please. Tell me. Did I do something wrong? I was only falling in love though."

"Akaashi," Oikawa sighed, "breathe."

"Breathe?! Are you serious, Oikawa?" Akaashi sobbed, his eyes red from his crying. Five minutes after Bokuto left, after he left Akaashi, the blue haired boy called Oikawa, bursting out in tears on the phone. The older one invited him to his house, knowing that this wasn't how Akaashi usually acted. He was sure that something happened. And he was right. He has never seen Akaashi in such a vulnerable state, not even once in his life had he seen him cry. And now, tears were dripping down his cheeks as if there was no tomorrow.

"I was okay with watching him from afar. I was okay with him not returning my feelings. I was okay with being hurt by him if that meant he'd stay by my side but even after all those sacrifices I made for him, he still left. And I can't even blame him for that. Just like how I couldn't control my feelings, he couldn't control his either. And in the end, I was still too scared and nervous to tell him how I really felt. I lost him and I can't even do anything about it. And I don't even want to. Because if he's happy, I'm happy as well."

And even though Akaashi was trying to tell himself that so badly, he couldn't believe it. He didn't want Bokuto to fall in love with Mizuki, he didn't want his owl to finally get the thing he adored the most, the moon. He wanted to be the moon. He just wanted to be his moon.

"You piss me off. So much." Oikawa said, while studying Akaashi's face, which slowly turned into a frown. The browned haired boy just furrowed his eyebrows, glaring at Akaashi.

"Huh?"

"Is this funny to you?!" Oikawa screamed, confusing Akaashi even more. What has gotten into him?

"Am I a coward for not telling Iwaizumi that I like him?! No, I'm not. Why would I be? I treasure my friendship more than the feelings I have towards him. And the fact that you blame yourself for Bokuto leaving you makes me so mad! Fuck no, you're going to write your feelings down. Now." Oikawa demanded, searching a paper and pen. He aggressively handed them to the younger one, plopping himself on the floor. He was mad.

"Why would I do th-" Akaashi wanted to question Oikawa's demand, but stopped as soon as he saw his face. Just like Oikawa had never seen a crying Akaashi, Akaashi had never seen an aggressive Oikawa. And he wasn't planning to getting beat up that night.

So he gave in. He wiped the tears off his cheeks, although it didn't really matter because as soon as he wrote the first two words onto the paper, tears dropped onto it. But he didn't care. Because writing everything he had on his mind really made him feel better. And after two hours of writing, he fell asleep on Oikawa's floor.

[...]

"Hey, hey, hey, Akaashi!" A loud voice echoed throughout the university hall. Bokuto almost threw himself on Akaashi, but stopped as he remembered last night. 

"About last night, I'm sorry! I really didn't want to leave, it's just, you know-" Bokuto muttered, feeling bad about everything. He felt bad about leaving Akaashi on his own and he also felt bad because the blue haired one wasn't even able to tell him what important thing he wanted to say.

"It's okay. Don't worry, Bokuto-san." And as soon as those words came out of Akaashi's mouth, some sort of distance was created between them. Just like how the continents were apart from each other by the oceans, just like how the day could never see the night, just like the owl was never able to fly to the moon, they now were nothing more than just two boys, who shared a few memories together.

Bokuto didn't even realize when and how Akaashi left, but only as he didn't see those blue curls anymore, he realized that he was gone.   
What just happened?

And he wanted to leave as well, but his eyes locked onto an envelope on the floor. He picked it up, looking at the recipient and furrowed his eyebrows as he saw his name.  
To: Bokuto Koutarou   
From: Akaashi Keiji

[...]

"Yo Bokuto-san ain't coming to practice today?" Onaga yelled throughout the volleyball hall and caught the attention of a few others.

"You're right. Bokuto isn't here today."

"He's never missed practice before. Ya think something happened to him?"

"Hey, Akaashi." Konoha appeared behind said one. "where's our ace?"

"I don't know either." Akaashi genuinely answered, shrugging his shoulders. He didn't know where he was. 

"Hm. Let's just start without him for now." The coach clapped in his hands, telling the boys to start stretching for a new game. And Akaashi couldn't help but wonder where Bokuto was right now.

Meanwhile, Bokuto looked at the envelope in his hand. He skipped practice just for this and after hesitating for a bit, he opened it, carefully reading the words written on the small piece of paper.

"Dear Bokuto,  
I am crying right now. Tears are streaming down my cheeks. I can't breathe. Because you left me. Because you chose Mizuki over me. It hurts me, you know? Realizing that the spark in your eyes isn't going to be directed to me anymore but her. It just hurts. As if someone took your heart out of your chest and shredded it with no remorse.

But I know that you do. I know that you do have remorse and that you'd be crying your heart out if you ever heard me saying that you were the cause for my tears. It doesn't matter though, because nobody will ever get to read this.   
God, why am I even doing this to myself? 

I expect you to figure me out but I can't even figure out myself. I want to spend all my seconds without you although I know that it will destroy me, knowing that you chose someone else over me. Knowing that I wasn't your first choice.

Can't you see me, Bokuto? I was waiting for the right time. I was waiting for the moment you'd return my feelings, but it never came. I was using everything to hold back, and I know that this could be worse, seeing you walk out of the door.

But it still hurts. Because I know you will never look at me the same way I look at you. You will never look at me and think 'This is the person I want to be with one day'. Not like I do when I look at you. But can you blame me? You have been there for me since forever. You look at me with the softest smile ever, making me feel like I deserve to be loved by you. You taught me how to love. So can you blame me for falling for you?

I know, I should probably keep this all to myself. We're nothing but best friends, and I know that. But one sided love is harder than you think. Knowing that the person you love doesn't return your feelings, knowing that you're only a friend, knowing that you'll be nothing more than that. It makes your heart ache, it leaves bruises all over you and you can't treat them because the only person who can do that is the person you love and they can't give you the medicine that heals you. Because the medicine is love.

I love you, Bokuto. And this is why I have to let you go. I may have been your wings in the beginning, but not anymore. You can fly on your own now, without me by your side.

Yours,  
Akaashi."

And without even realizing, Bokuto's tears were added to Akaashi's ones on the paper.

[...]

"Akaashi."

"Yes?" Akaashi answered, looking up to the person that was standing at the entrance of the volleyball hall. Akaashi had to talk with the coach about something, so he was the last one to leave.  
And as soon as he saw Bokuto, he regretted his decision.

"What are you doing here, Bokuto-san?" He asked, trying to avoid eye contact by looking at the ball in his hands. His golden eyes probably would have made him fall for him even more.

"Why didn't you tell me, Akaashi?" Bokuto breathed out, not even trying to hide his hurt and disappointment. Akaashi looked up again, a confused expression on his face, that vanished as soon as he saw the envelope in Bokuto's hands.

"H-how.." His voice was just a whisper, but it echoed at every corner of the hall. His heart dropped, even taking another breath was hard for him. As if he didn't deserve to do that anymore.

"Do you really have feelings for me?"

"Oh, that. Well," Akaashi uncomfortably scratched his neck and the only thing he could think of was to apologize. "I shouldn't have done that. I'm sorry that I-"

"Why are you apologizing?" Disbelief and betrayal. That's what Bokuto felt. He gritted his teeth, trying to calm himself down. But he couldn't. How could Akaashi apologize for his feelings?

"Ah, that. I'm just sorry because after all, I'll be the reason why our friendship ends and-"

"Wait, are you fucking serious? Who said that this would be the end of us?" And it felt like someone punched Akaashi in his guts as Bokuto said us.  
Because Bokuto's definition of us was much more different than Akaashi's.

"Just like how I said in the letter, it's hard liking someone, who doesn't return your feelings. That's why it'd be better for you and me, to distance ourselves from each other, Bokuto-san."

"Stop calling me fucking Bokuto-san!" Bokuto yelled, stomping into the volleyball hall. He stopped right in front of Akaashi and only now did the younger one realize that tears were trickling down Bokuto's cheeks. Akaashi wanted to wipe them away, but stopped himself before doing so.

"Stop calling me that! I don't want to lose you, Akaashi. And I'm sure you don't want that to happen either so why are you running away? We can make this work, like we always do. Like we do in every volleyball game! Whenever I feel down, you're the only one who knows how to deal with me. You're the only one who makes me want to play again! Didn't you once said that we were the protagonists of the world? How could you say that when you're trying to run away now? A protagonist doesn't do that!" Bokuto screamed, trembling in fear, because he didn't want to lose Akaashi. He was the most precious person to him after all.

"But in the end, the feelings of the protagonist get returned, don't they? And in our case, that doesn't happen as well. So please, Bokuto-san, let me go. Just like how I let you go." He smiled bitterly, turning around. Bokuto may be right, running away wasn't the best thing to do, but he didn't care. Their story was a modern fairy tale, one with no happy ending.

"Running away won't solve your problems, neither your feelings," Bokuto grabbed his hand, preventing him from leaving. "your feelings won't change by just distancing yourself from the person that you like, trust me with that one."

"They will."

"They will not."

"They will, fuck! And I'll show you," Akaashi turned around, with teary eyes, and grabbed Bokuto's collar. He closed his eyes and smashed his lips onto his, Bokuto being able to taste saltiness on his lips.  
Before the older one was even able to react, Akaashi pulled away. "Look, I felt nothing. You don't mean anything to me anymore."

With that, he left. And Bokuto knew that every single word was a lie. 

[...]

"Why did you never show me you cared?"

This sentence. This little sentence ruined everything. Everything he made to forget him, everything he sacrificed to move on, just being destroyed by this sentence.

"Oh come on, Akaashi. You both did things that were the reason for your fallout. For example, why did he never ask about your feelings?," Oikawa looked at Akaashi, sighing. "and you, why did you never show him you cared?"

After hearing that sentence, there was something that made it hard for Akaashi to breathe. As if that sentence cut a hole in his lungs and filled it with agony instead of air. And it took him 3 seconds to get rid of that hole, and in those 3 seconds his most precious memories were replayed in his head.

3.  
The very first moment he saw Bokuto. He saw him at a high school match and the moment he laid his eyes on him, he though of a star. A star that outshined every other one. And for the first time in his life, Akaashi wanted to be the moon.

2.  
The first time he scored a point by setting to Bokuto. Everything was in slow motion, as if the whole world was watching them and only them. And seeing Bokuto smile with a wide grin on his face, hugging Akaashi tightly, made him fall for the grey haired boy.

1.  
Before Bokuto, nobody ever saw Akaashi cry. And he also didn't intend to let Bokuto see him in such a vulnerable state, but after fighting with his mom, the only thing he could think of was calling Bokuto. And no matter how late it was that night, Bokuto ran over to Akaashi's house. They both sneaked our for the first time that night and spent it at the beach. Bokuto tried everything in his power to make the other one laugh, and he succeeded. Akaashi forgot about everything, just enjoying the moment with Bokuto, while leaning his head onto his shoulder and listening to a giggly Bokuto. And for the first time, Akaashi admitted it to himself. He loved Bokuto.

"Akaashi?" Oikawa said, waving his hands before Akaashi's face, whose eyes were filled with tears. "Did I go overboard?"

"Ah no, don't worry. I just thou-" Bokuto.   
His heart dropped. He opened his mouth several times to say something, but he couldn't. He started to breathe heavily and held back every urge to run over to him and pull him in his embrace. 

"Hey, what's wrong? Did something-" As Oikawa followed Akaashi's eyes, he saw him as well. He saw the grey haired boy, who was smiling into the camera, as someone took a photo of him. "Fuck."

Oikawa closed his eyes and sighed deeply. Just talking about Bokuto was hard for Akaashi, so he didn't even want to imagine what the blue haired boy felt at that moment.

"I-I love him," Akaashi muttered, with an expression on his face that Oikawa couldn't even decipher. "i didn't move on. I told myself I did, but I love him. Maybe even more than before. I-I want to hold him, love him, touch him. Oikawa, I'm still in love with him."

Akaashi looked into Oikawa's eyes, while tears were streaming down his cheeks. And all he did was smile. Because he knew how Akaashi felt.

"Let's go. You wanted to go to the library, didn't you? There was this one book you wanted me to read. In another life, was it that one? Tell me more about it." The brown haired boy put his arm around Akaashi's shoulders and walked into the opposite direction of where Bokuto was. But as he looked back at said one, he was already staring at them.

"Excuse me?" Akaashi asked in disbelief, turning all his attention from his book to Bokuto.   
He was sitting on a bench, in the middle of the beach. And since it was winter and nobody was mad enough to spent his time at the beach in this freezing weather, he was always surrounded with quietness. Until now.

"Why did you never show me you cared?," Bokuto said again, looking down at Akaashi. Somehow he knew he would find him at the beach, it was as if his heart told him where the other one was.

"If you're just saying all of this to stir up a fight again, you can just leave." Akaashi sighed, holding back everything he felt just yesterday, when he saw Bokuto for the first time in a year. After their last argument, they didn't talk to each other once. Not when they walked past each other in the corridors, not when they were at volleyball practice, not even when Bokuto graduated. And seeing the older one yesterday for the first time in a year was even harder than he expected.

"Just like how you left me two years ago?" Bokuto answered, his voice dripping with sarcasm.   
And Akaashi knew that the best thing to do was leaving, again. But after everything, he just couldn't.

"Oh, so you leaving me two year ago for Mizuki is nothing, huh?" He closed his book and stood up, not letting Bokuto have the upper hand. But his act wasn't very convincing since his whole body trembled, either because of the cold or because of the sudden emotions that where overwhelming him.

"You can't compare this to what you did. I left without knowing how you felt towards me and you-"

"I also left without knowing how you felt towards me. But on the other hand, I know that you weren't feeling the same for me like I did. I knew that I was just somebody who shared a past with you. I knew that I was just a friend, who turned into a stranger with memories." Akaashi cut off Bokuto, because he knew what he was going to say. He still was as easy to read as ever. He always wore his heart on his sleeve, but for the first time, Akaashi did as well.

"How can you talk about this so nonchalantly? You weren't just someone who I shared a past with, fuck. You were and are Akaashi, the person that I loved the most." And Akaashi thought that hearing that word come out of his mouth would make him happy, but all it did was hurt him. Because he was sure, that he didn't mean it.

"Don't use that word so lightly. You didn't love me. You never did. Did you ever think about me at night? Because I did. I thought about you every fucking night. Whenever I looked at someone's eyes, I thought of yours. Whenever I looked at someone's smile, you crossed my mind. I hoped, that in your head you saw me instead. Because you've been in mine every day since then. But I know that you didn't. Not even once." 

Everything else was quiet. It felt as if even the ocean was silent that night. As if it didn't want to ruin the moment between those two. All you could hear was their breath, that mixed into one and dissolved into the cold winter night.

"You don't know anything, Akaashi. Don't talk about my feelings as if you know everything. Because you never did and still don't." Bokuto whispered, his golden eyes looking black in the mere moonlight. And the color which was associated with love, compassion and courage turned into the color which symbolizes sadness and anger.

"Then enlighten me. Tell me how much you loved me. Tell me. Lie to me. I'm here to hear all of it." Although it seemed like his body was filled with rage, he was scared. Scared of his answer and scared of what he would feel once he heard it.

"I wasn't lying when I said that you were the person I loved the most. How could I not? You were there for me at times when I didn't want anyone to stand by my side. You never left me. But then you.. did. Back then, I didn't eat anything for a whole week. I even fainted at home after practice. But I couldn't tell you, because you said that I should let you go. And Akaashi, I was never so scared in my entire life. I was so scared. It felt like my whole life was passing right before my eyes. And that only because you left me. Then I started to watch you from afar, just like how you used to. And you seemed to be happy, while I was at my worst. And I wanted to hate you for it, for being able to feel happiness while I was on my knees waiting for you to come back to me, but I couldn't. I just couldn't hate you. Just like you said, you were my wings. But you were wrong, because I still needed and need them. I need you. So tell me, if this isn't love, what is it then?" Bokuto breathed out, his heart feeling light for the first time in years. But as he looked into Akaashi's eyes, he knew that the younger one didn't believe him. Not even one word.

"Then why did you never show me you loved me?" That was Akaashi's answer. And he left. Again.

"Akaashi," Bokuto screamed after him. "if you won't look back right now, I will never forgive you that. No matter what, I will not forgive you if you don't look back now."

He didn't. Because he didn't want to show him that tears were streaming down his cheeks.   
And he told himself, that Bokuto's words were all just a lie. But little did Akaashi know, that the only person who was lying, was him.


End file.
